Piers Morgan: Why I now identify as a cat

It wasn't so long ago that when teachers asked children what they want to be, they meant what profession.

Now they're asking them which animal, object or beast they might identify as and tailoring their lessons accordingly. 

This isn't satire, it's a genuine story. It's true. It's going on in schools up and down the country. For those of us who have warned for years about the inevitable consequence of limitless self identity, it sadly won't come as a surprise. 

But it's shocking. This story begins with a video that circulated yesterday, of a teacher in England scolding two pupils for refusing to accept the one of their classmates identified as a cat.

So at the age of 13, there are students who were wise enough to express honestly held opinion, which is one most people in the world would share, and for that their own teacher says they're despicable. 

And if they hold that view, they should go to a different school, that view being that girls have vaginas and boys have penises.

That's so despicable they would have to leave the school. I think what was despicable in that exchange, is what that teacher said. The Daily Telegraph are interviewing pupils at schools across the United Kingdom for a major investigation.

It read like a farce that they made it up.  But it was actually true. They came up with all sorts of examples from all over the country that looked like we are living on a different planet. Which makes sense because some of the kids they write about are identifying his alien life forms literally on a different planet. 

The say children in schools are being allowed to self identify as cats, horses, dinosaurs, even a moon, not the moon, a moon, and they're deadly serious about this. Often it causes disruption in lessons the Telegraph reported, because in some cases they will only communicate in animal noises.

Pupils at schools where children identify as cats complained to the newspaper that classes are dominated by the children because they insist on meowing.  This is not a joke. This is serious.

One pupil at a state secondary school in Wales said a fellow pupil feels very discriminated against if you do not refer to them as cat-self.  The Telegraph discovered that a pupil at one high school is insisting on being addressed as a dinosaur another as a horse.

One wears a cape and wants to be acknowledged as a moon.  The children are allowed to wear items like cat suits while other human identifying children are rebuked for untucked shirts. Enough is enough. Put it this way.

What would you feel if I said I'm a cat? Seriously, I do actually feel quite feline I took in two kittens in January.  My first pets I've had since I was a teenager, were two little Burmese kittens called Dennis and Bobby for Arsenal fans named after Bergkamp and Pires.

And I frankly now feel like one of them. Like I identify as a cat. I snack a lot. I enjoy regular naps, I have higher than average intelligence. I'm curious and inquisitive. 

I have a natural born predatory instinct when it comes to attacking rivals who attack me and everywhere I go people want to stroke my chin and call me cute. So yes, I'm a cat. 

But there's one problem. I'm a human. Really. I'm not actually a cat, scientifically and biologically. I'm a human being. Incontrovertibly, it's a fact. Much as I'd like to enjoy the benefits of being a cat 20-hour naps, no taxes, meals on demand when I cry. I can't because I'm not a cat. 

Now, if all of this is shocking to you, it's probably because you haven't been paying attention. Most of these teachers are probably trying to do the right thing. Terrified of being reported for bigotry for failing to indulge the gender whims of children. 

And the children themselves have grown up in a world where they're literally taught there are hundreds of genders, and anybody can identify as anything they want; but they can't. When something like this happens, society changes so radically and so fast and become so ridiculous it causes complete chaos.

And we surely should be questioning this. It cannot simply be the case that minority groups are right, end of question. And anyone who raises questions about it is automatically a bigot, or a transphobe. I'm not bigoted, or transphobic.

But I do think this is insanity. And the next time a child identifies as a cat at school in this country, they should be told that as a mark of deep respect for their new identity, they will be taken out of the classroom, put in a cage with other actual cats who will scratch and bite them all day.

There'll be given water, whiskers tuna chunks for lunch, taken for walks on leads at break time, and must use a litter tray for a toilet, one that won't be changed for several days.

Trust me, they'll soon be re identifying as humans by tea time.